Grown-up lies.



I'm going to tell you a story that lead to this post, because originally, my first post was a lot more navel gazey, mostly about self discovery and how this past year of changes has led me to a different place emotionally.

Instead, my first post back in ages is... well.. it's this.

Husband and I were sitting in the living room watching a documentary, whilst the dog lay in the middle of the room, giving himself a clean.  The 'noises' stopped, my eyes were drawn to him for some reason, and that is when I came across my dog, sitting there, bent almost in half, eyes open wide, almost in shock, whilst he gently held both of his balls in his mouth.

I'm not talking about tennis balls here.

He looked confused, as if to question why he'd decided to do this, and it was at this point, after I checked he wasn't choking or anything, that I immediately decided to share this news with people who might find it funny.

So you may be wondering how I went from navel-gazing to dog balls, and you'd probably be right to wander that.

Someone in a group chat casually commented "Aren't you a bit old for finding dog balls funny?"

Apparently not.

You might not have ever found the sight of a confused dog mouthing his own balls funny, but I do, (don't worry, he's totally fine, just cleaning them in his own special way.)  This led me on a much less wanky journey of honest self discovery, about the stuff I've tried to lie to myself about as an adult, but I can no longer do.


1. Courgette as a pasta replacement.

Oh I used to be queen of the spiraliser.  I spiralised everything, even an onion once, and whilst I enjoy bulking out my meals with vegetables I tell you what I can no longer in good faith, proclaim as a good replacement for pasta:  Courgette.

I once said it was a versatile pasta replacement, and I'm here, to tell myself to shut up.

It's green, slimey and occasionally crunchy.  It takes longer to prepare, it goes mushy if you put too much sauce on it and you can only have it one shape.  That is the very opposite of a versatile pasta replacement.   You know what tastes good?  Pasta.  So I'm gunna eat it.


2.  Having any sense of being fashion forward

Last month I found myself in a clothes shop looking at a top that would barely contain my nipples, trying on a white and brown play-suit that made me look like an out of work oompa loompa, and a pair of brown chinos that gave me a camel toe so powerful it could've delivered the three wise men to Bethlehem.

I can not pull off these garments, I tried, with an open mind, but I look like a twat.  I have no judgements if you want to wear a top that plays peek-a-boo with your knockers, I'm actually impressed if you actually know how to layer, but I am not a fashion person and it's time to accept that with grace.  I do not have the creative brain to put together an outfit more complex than jeans and a nice top, or a pretty dress.

 I've decided - I'm cool with that.  I'm gonna appreciate peoples fashion creativity from over here, in my plain jumper, peppered with dog hair, that I just spilled coffee on.


3.  An all-or-nothing approach to food.

I did low carb last year, and I told everyone I loved it.  In reality I dreamed of bread.  I had actual dreams where I literally lay naked in a bed of soft, freshly baked bread and I just smelt it.  It felt fantastic.  They are not the thoughts of a mentally sound person.

 I did not enjoy giving up bread,  alcohol, or sugar completely.  You can show me all the well-lit pictures of a pretty women munching on cucumbers and carrots saying it's just as good as doughnut, but I just don't want to lie to myself anymore.

I'm a boring 'moderation' person now.  I love gin, sugar and delicious carbs, but I also love vegetables, exercise and the occasional smoothie, and you can't make me profess to love one more than the other because some days, I don't fancy the bread either, but at least I'm not having weird sexual dreams about it anymore.

4. Twitter is fun

I deleted my twitter after I logged in one day and it literally was like reading a different language.  I met some cool bloggers through twitter, but near the end, I just decided that me and twitter weren't meant to be.  I literally could not give any less of a banana sundae about re-tweets or scrolling for 50 minutes through the chaff of competition entries or butt kissing to find something decent to read.

5. Cars.  Just cars in general.

I went through a phase of pretending to care about cars, but listen, I've never been more bored in my life than when it accidently got me into a 50 minute conversation about the best type of engine for town driving.

My car is a black one with 5 doors, and I'm not even sure why we class the boot as a door because at best, it's a weird butt-lid.  I know what make it is so I can get it fixed if need be, but other than that, it's just as I described it back there.  Ask me what car you drive and I'll revert to a 5-year-olds descriptive prowess.  "It's red and shiny."

Brag about your car stats to me if you fancy, but I know the very basics, and that is on purpose.

6.  Having a dog is all cuddles and love

When my dog jizzed on my sofa last year, my first though wasn't "Awhh I'm so blessed to have him" - it was slight irritation that I had google how to get dog jizz out of fabrics, which left me with some VERY strange shopping ad suggestions until I erased my history.

He is in no way, any where near the level of work he was as a puppy, and I love him intensely, but he has what I call his "Marley moments."  Like when he stole a whole birthday cake and smeared most of it into the carpet, or the time he knocked over a photographer, and when he was going through his humping stage and latched on to my husband's nan.

7.  My wedding day was the best of my life.

This one causes debate, and I'm not sure why.  I really enjoyed my wedding day.  I got to wear a cool dress, make a promise, head-bang to a string quartet playing queen, and get drunk in front of my Nan. However, if you were to tell me to label it as the best day of my life, I'd have to stop you there.  It was just the starting pistol to all the more important moments to come.  By putting this huge moniker of 'best day' on my wedding, I'm shunning all the things I've worked harder at and for, like my mental health,  hitting goals I never thought I'd hit and the little things that make life awesome.  I enjoyed it, but it's one of many days that were the best, just in different ways.

8.  I'm good at posing for pictures

A few weeks ago, I asked husband to send me some pictures of myself because a friend had told me, in the nicest way possible, that I looked like a crazy dog lady on my new blog layout (I am, but you know, let people find that out with more subtlety, right?)  What he sent me was a plethora of photos of me, basically, being a twot.  Me wearing mustaches, me with my knickers pulled up to my boobs, me jumping off stuff, me posing in an awkward grease lightening fashion, being squished by the dog or posing indecently next to statues.

"I just sent you every picture I have of you on my phone, were they okay?"

I had a mini crisis of confidence.  Some husbands have pictures of their wives being models, acting normal whilst laughing delicately into a salad, or actually looking like humans but mine is literally a roll-call of the world's worst childrens entertainer.

After a rant, some chocolate and a nap, I just realised that I'm rubbish at posing for photos, and to tell myself that I am, would be a lie.  So now I pose like a twot with pride.

9.  I don't get hormonal

I used to laugh at portrayals of women on TV of them losing their shit when they got their periods.  "That's so unrealistic and misogynistic" I laughed knowingly, because I was in my early twenties and I thought I knew everything.  Then I came off the implant.

I've punched a bin out of frustration.  There's not much more to that story than that - I just straight up hulk-punched a bin.  I've yelled at a pigeon in the street because I genuinely felt it was being unreasonable.  I've been mortally offended by a man's eyebrows, to the point where I actually had to leave the room.  I've cried at an advert where a cartoon bear couldn't make friends, and I've shouted health and safety advice at perfume adverts as they dangled off multi-storey buildings.  You just gotta roll with the (bin) punches, and accept for a few days, things are a bit rough, and until you've experienced the ups and downs of it for yourself, you have no say on how you can control it.  You can lessen the rage, but those hormones make it super hard to do that sometimes.

So I will fully admit now, that hormones are the devils work.


So, there are probably more that will come about, but my rant train has run out of steam.

13 comments:

  1. I wish more people were upfront about life's realities. Thanks for sharing :)

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  2. LOL..I can totally understand why you find that funny..because I had to grin whenever I see my cats clean theirs. And I can't agree you more about zoodles..well, nothing can compare with real pasta, real carbs. geez, I miss them!

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  3. Hi Emma... great to see you back on here again. Its lovely that you are `normal`, just like the rest of us lol (Toni....formerly from w/w but now at S/W) :-)

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  4. Nice to see you back Emma. Also great that you are `normal`, just like the rest of us lol. Toni (formerly following w/w but now following s/w)

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  5. What a great post. It makes me rethink a lot of things in my life. And, to be honest, I tell myself almost all of these lies.

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    1. Ah cheers :-) I think we all have a few cheeky ones stored up

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  6. LOL its good to have you back, no one else talks about dog balls and gin like you :D

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    1. Hahaha thanks Emma, I'm glad someone appreciates my talents ;-)

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  7. It’s great to have you back...... and nothing will ever beat Pasta. I don’t mind spiralized veggies but pasta is the dogs bollocks!!!

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