50 things that happen when you learn to cook

When I started to learn how to cook a few years back, my life was utterly changed.  Suddenly I found myself squeezing vegetables in supermarkets, and knowing how to prepare things from scratch.  It wasn't until I made friends that shared my love of cooking that I realised we are all an odd bunch and we do a lot of weird things....

Here's a list of 50 that I could think of... feel free to add yours ;)

  1. You have burnt or melted almost every spoon or spatula you own.

  2. Screw perfecting souffles. Learning to flip a pancake is your greatest achievement.

  3. You show off cooking related burns and cuts like a badge of honor.

  4. You cannot, and will not abide microwaveable meals.

  5. You get very attached to your oven.   In fact, you may have named it. (Mine is called Mr. Burns.)

  6. You sometimes feel guilty for using shop bought things (sauces / pre-made pastries / pastas)

  7. But most of that time the guilt is overtaken by the fact that you have a life and other hobbies and don't have time to make everything from scratch.

  8. You have a pinterest board of kitchens you'd like.  It's probably called kitchen porn.

  9. Any attempts at implementing these ideas into your own kitchen makes you realise how impractical about 88% of the ideas are.

  10. You are slightly suspicious if someones kitchen is immaculate.

  11. You have made at least one recipe that looks like actual poo.  You ate it anyway.  You don't waste food.

  12. You wish recipes included a rating on how much washing up there will be.

  13. You have at least 3 cookbooks that you've never cooked anything from, you just really like the pictures.

  14. You get recipe envy at least 3 times a day.  DAMN YOU TALENTED DINGDONGS.

  15. You own 20 aprons but you hardly ever wear them.  You usually use them to dry your hands on or wipe food spills off your face.

  16. You have at least one "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO COOK" meltdown a month.

  17. Going for a 'quick peek' in a cook shop usually ends in you being in serious debt.

  18. You get inspiration in weird places.  Weirdest one for me: A crumbling mound of bricks made me want to make shortbread.

  19. You know that cooking with children isn't the jolly -smiley-happy-shit that you're lead to believe.  One of my friends kids thought it would be funny if I farted and flour came out.  She then proceeded to try and put flour in my knickers whenever both my hands were occupied.

  20. When you make bread for the first time you feel invincible.  You must resist all urges to wax lyrical about the good old days.

  21. You have been known to sit in front of your oven and watch your food cook.  Sometimes you talk to it.

  22. You have acted like you're in a cooking show at least once.  It would perhaps be the weirdest cooking show in the world.

  23. You sniff everything before you put it in the mixture.  You don't know why, but you just can't stop.

  24. You refuse to throw anything away in case it comes in handy for a recipe at some point.  This is why you have several rotten veg hiding at the back of your fridge somewhere.

  25. You taste something amazing in a restaurant.  You immediately start thinking of how you could replicate it at home.

  26. But only after you've told the food how much you love it, swore a couple of times and told everyone this is the best day of your life.

  27. You know that 3 hours cooking = 15% prep 20% cooking 65% clean up.

  28. Your local shop starts selling a weird food you've been reading about for months,  You dance in the isle.

  29. You have used the excuse "Well, I did all the cooking, perhaps you should wash up..." Then you lean back in your chair, twirl your mustache and do your best evil plan laugh.

  30. You end up washing up anyway.  They know you too well.  Life sucks.

  31. If someone asks you what your favourite food is, you raise an eyebrow and wonder what the world is coming to.

  32. That feeling when a recipe you didn't think would work comes out perfectly and you wonder if you'll ever be able to make it again.

  33. Likewise, when a recipe you've made a thousand times goes seriously seriously wrong and you want to set fire to it and kick it into next doors garden.

  34. You will never understand that even though you equally portioned out cupcake mixture, you have that one mutant one that grows horrifically large.  You eat that one.  That one is yours.

  35. You use the wrong knife for the wrong job and feel like a badass who just won't quit.

  36. Slightly burning the edges of a dish, means you get to call it a 'rustic touch'.

  37. You don't understand people who only use one type of oil.  You don't even care that you sound like a pretentious ass.

  38. Most people have crushes on celebrities.  You have a list of chefs & bakers you'd like to bone.

  39. A lot of your kitchen gadgets that would "save you time" are gathering dust because they are hard to clean.

  40. But you use the novelty ones more than you care to admit. 'Chicken measuring jugs, tardis salt and pepper pots.... russian doll kitchen timers...'

  41. You have a favourite mixing bowl and a favourite wooden spoon.  You will mourn them when they die.

  42. You try making cookies, they come out more like cakes.  Instead of admitting you went wrong, you rename them 'cakies" and claim them to be better anyway.  You're pretty sure this was how the cronut was invented.

  43. Every month brings a new obsession.  Wether it's a new piece of equipment, a new ingredient or just putting garlic in everything...

  44. Whenever families birthdays come along, you are given food duties / cake duties.

  45. You have one favourite recipe that you don't want to share.  Ever.  You will make it for people but the recipe is yours.

  46. You secretly wonder how Nigella does it.  When you're cooking you're sweaty, you swear a lot, cut yourself and somehow get food in your hair.

  47. You get an overwhelming urge to photograph weird shaped fruits & vegetables.  "Look at my weird lemon... Look, my potato has a willy...."

  48. There is a food stain on pretty much every piece of clothing you own.

  49. When faced with a new vegetable you ask yourself ... "Will it blend?  Will it spiralize?  Will it grill?  Will it go inside a cake?"

  50. People don't even cast a glance when you whip out your camera to photograph your food anymore....

Happy Friday everyone!  There won't be a post for a few days as it's my brother's birthday on Saturday, mine on Sunday and therefore there will be lots of parties / cake eating / dancing going on.

See you next week!

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  1. Ah the ol'e food in the hair problem - my curls seem too operate as shelves for breadcrumbs & the likes....

    1. pahah excellent! Hair, and caught on the boob shelf. That's where most of my food ends up...

  2. hehe good post! Mine is that I own pretty much every spice/herb you can get...including about 3 jars of mustard seeds because I always forget I have them and also have some pretty obscure ones... asafoetida anyone?! Sounds like some kind of fungus but is actually curry spice!

    1. I have never heard of that... sounds interesting ;) Teehee, I forgot about my burgeoning collection of herbs and spices!

  3. Sometimes I end up not buying something only because it's not dishwasher safe ;) Happy birthday!

    1. Ahh man, I don't have a dishwashers, now i know where I'm going wrong!

  4. LOL...I just noticed my white T-shirt was stained with blueberry. You know what? Today I just threw the last baked doughnut into the bread dough and the bread still turned out great.
    Happy Birthday to your brother and YOU (mine is on Sunday too :-)) !

  5. I love, love, love your Friday posts. This one cracked me up! They are all so true - especially number 3. Everyone finds my cuts and burn from work disgusting and gross, I find them quite awesome. Haha!

    1. I'm exactly the same "Hey come look at my cool cut! I cna make it talk!"

  6. I like to think you put 42 in for me. x

    1. I was thinking about out snapchats of those date bars we used to make as well... so was thinking of you when writing 11 ;) x

  7. Such a comprehensive list!! Must have taken you forever to come up with! But can agree with just about everything! Number 32 is so true....happens to me all the time!! Most of the time I can't recreate it :( And can't be bothered trying again and again to figure out what I did right the first time haha :D Oh, and there I was thinking I was the only one stupid enough to melt a spatula haha :)

    1. I once used a plastic one whilst making toffee, got really confused when I pulled it out and it was just a dripping stick....

  8. When my cookies come out too cake like I chuck frosting between two of them and claim I was making whoopie pies all along! Or if a cake fails I break it up and tell everyone that I especially made the sponge for the trifle they are currently enjoying! And baking with kids.... last time I tried to be nice and allow a friends kid to join in the little bugger wouldn't listen and opened the oven door everything sunk.... and people blamed my cake!!! Loved this list :D

    1. That is a brilliant plan. And not a crumb waste! ;) Boo to the little bugger who opened your oven door! I told the kid I was baking with that if you opened it monsters would come and steal the cakes and it scared her half to death.

      So I probably shouldn't have kids anytime soon.

  9. Brilliant!!!! Absolutely brilliant! BTW, #13 is more like 50 cookbooks I've never made anything out of but keep for the photos. I know. I'm obsessed.

  10. I LOVE this post! Totally agree with #46, I sometimes wonder how I'm always cutting myself slicing veg and can't quite get the blender lid to work first time ;-) Really enjoyed reading this x

  11. Haha love this. Especially "If someone asks you what your favourite food is, you raise an eyebrow and wonder what the world is coming to."

    Might I add "Considering the pros and cons of electric versus gas hobs for longer than necessary..."

    Also where the heck can I get a Russian doll kitchen timer? It will be mine xx

  12. Haha definitely that feeling if you will ever be able to make it again :P

    Choc Chip Uru

  13. I think everybody experience this things while learning how to cook.
    Your post remind me of my cooking days.


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