I've been away from the internet this week (hence the lack of blogs) but to think I'd miss out on my Friday post, you'd be having a laugh!

I've been cooking for myself, like a big grown up adult for about 7 years.  Which sounds bad when you learn that I'm officially in my mid-20s.  (Wtf, when did that happen?)

So it won't surprise you that I still come across words / types of cooking / ingredients and have no idea what they are.  I sometimes watch the Great British Bake off and it confuses me that they know all this stuff and it makes me feel terribly unlearned.

So in my mission to make myself look like a complete unsophisticated arse, I made up a guessing game and then I played it with my family.  We're cool like that.

My brother, who we shall nickname hercules, read out words, and mum & I guessed them.  Points went to the closest guess.



It got a bit heated...  Here we go!

What do we think it is?

Emma: I imagine big science laboratories, with mad scientists screaming "IT'S ALIVE!  MUAHAHA"  So something to do with blending together dishes, but with science, a bit like that guy who becomes half a fly in that film I've never watched all the way through.  Think breads with half a courgette sticking out of it, or ice cream with sausages.
Mum: Ohh yeah, good answer, I think it's like that, but not as dramatic.  Perhaps a mixture of cooking styles and ingredients.  Ohh and flavours!  Put that I said flavours!

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?:

Emma: I'd give myself a point for that one, mainly for courgette stick bread and sausage ice cream.
Mum: Score, That was a pretty good guess!

What do we think it is?

Emma: Italian gangster food,  I'm thinking spaghetti and meatballs eaten on red checker board tablecloths.  I'm feeling bread sticks, sad eyes and sad lowly trumpets.
Mum:  Are you sure you aren't confusing it with Al Capone?
Emma: Possibly, but I have no idea what it actually is.
Mum:  Hmm, well I think it's a term to describe a baking style, I've not heard of it either.

GOOGLE SAYS: 

Were we right?:

Emma: Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh.  No.  It appears we...ahem.. cocked up.  Puns are allowed, right?
Mum: -laughs- Oh I knew that!  Oi! you pronounced it wrong! Its pronounce CAPE-ON (still don't get any points, so nerr)

NO POINTS AWARDED

What do we think it is?

Emma: I have a feeling I know what this is.  I think it might be cooking fat, maybe from pigs or something, I've got a feeling it's yellowish in colour,  It also makes me think of musicals.  But I think I might be confusing that with glee.
Mum:  Glee?  Pigs? Hahah, It's an Indian butter, right?

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?:

Emma: I'm going to give myself a point for knowing it's colour and use.
Mum:   Are you just going to keep giving yourself points?
Emma: Most likely.  It's okay for you, you've got most of them right so far!

What do we think it is?

Emma:  I think this is a series of mini delicious on to go restaurants, a little like food trucks but for midgets or vegans or something.  Or maybe it's food that sells from weird vehicles?  Like turnips from portable wheelbarrows (Aren't all wheelbarrows portable Emma?) or sandwiches from go-karts.
Mum: An eating place, I've heard of it before, it's so annoying, did you pronounce it right this time?  Hehe,   It's either that or a wee creature or somewhere nice to eat.  Yeah, that's what I think.

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

What do we think it is?

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

Emma: Yes.  3 points to me.
Mum: Hey!  Why do you get 3 points for a right answer and I only get two?!  CHEAT!
Emma:  I get 3 because I was so spot on.  Plus I put the image of a chicken doing the splits in your head.  That deserves a point all on it's own.
Mum: I want a disclaimer at the end of this saying that I raised a bloody cheat.

-DISCLAIMER- Mum raised a cheat but is a sore loser.  Cheeky -WINK-

What do we think it is?

Emma: I think it's a biscuit.  A really big delicious buttery biscuit.  Or a cookie, with chocolate chunks.
Mum: I think a plancha sounds like, um, a dish and I'm going to say, a spanish dish or plate -puts on fabulous spanish accent- "Hey, Have some meat off'a ma plancha!"

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

What do we think it is?

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

What do we think it is?

Emma: That's my answer.  Beer sausages & pinafores.
Mum: Now you've said that I can't stop picturing a german man in lederhosen.  Hmm, he's getting in a round of drinks in a bar.  That's going off my German language skills, it's something to do with drinks.
Emma: This has become a bit like a psychic reading "He's wearing... lederhosen.... I'm getting a distinct feeling of.. him buying a round of drinks.."

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

What do we think it is?

GOOGLE SAYS:

Were we right?

Emma: Fine.  Half a point!
Mum: You are the sore loser!

Emma: 9 ½ points
Mum: 14 points

Mum: I think what we can take away from this is that cheaters never win.
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Before we begin, I want to share something utterly amazing with you.  The first cake I ever baked on my own, without a box mix or anything.  This is from 9 years ago....

-Cue flashback harp music-


Note that it is lumpy, bumpy and lopsided, and that I have food colouring all over my hands (and face, but you can't see that part) You've probably noticed I haven't exactly mastered icing the sides yet, in fact, I've literally just rubbed excess on there like the badass I am.

This was at a time where adding balls was the pinnacle of making things look classy, and I have exceeded sophistication with this effort.  There are many balls, are varied colours, and to top it off, extra balls, daintily interspersed around two pink sugarcraft elephants.

Finally, you'll see that I've kindly told people what it is AND it's colour, just in case you didn't know.  Some would call it obviousness.  I call it certainty.  There's no doubt about what I'm giving you here.

I loved it, wobbly, lumpy bits and all (Just like you should love YOURSELF.  Deep,).  It wasn't perfect, but damn, it was awesome.

I loved being taught how to bake.  Which is why today, I shall be sharing my ultimate plethora of crap I've learnt along the years.  I'm nice like that.




"Buy an apron.  You probably won't wear it more than once, and it will become more of a dish-rag, but such is life and the universe.  We don't question it"


"No one will know if you lick the spoon.  Or bowl.  Or counters"


"Get out all of your ingredients on the countertop.  Look at them for a while.  Talk to them.  Give them the pep talk.  Huddle in with the oven, and perhaps offer it a bribe.   This is literally the only certain way to cooking victory.  You are at the mercy of a series of small undecipherable instances that are completely out of your control.  Have fun!"


"You will confuse salt with sugar at least once & you will forget to soften your butter and not realise why it's important to do until it's too late."

"Cracking eggs is a skill all in itself."





"Learning to turn on a tap with your arm is an invaluable skill when you have mucky hands.  Practice it at all times."

"We've measured, we've bribed.  We've made our sacrificial offering to the gods,  If all goes to plan, your kitchen will feel as enchanted as a fairy fart.  If not, then deal with the impending doom by eating cake batter.  Batter makes it better."

"The best way to learn is with your hands (cheeky).  Beat eggs with a whisk, fold in flour manually and make butter icing at least once by hand.  Yes, your arm will ache, Yes, you might end up squinting and going a bit mental near the end, but I'll tell you something.  You'll never beat a baker in an arm wrestle."




"I am a full believer in making mistakes to learn from them.  If you add too much flour, or half of it ends up of the floor, just roll with it.  Mistakes don't make a bad baker.  Remember that because you will make a lot of them."


"If things are going well, you might feel the urge to experiment.  Maybe you should throw in some cocoa powder?  Or some garlic paste and maybe half a courgette?  That all sounds great, you're thinking like a true baker now.  Or a crazy person.  (They are kind of the same thing.)  Sometimes it's good to go a bit nuts, but sometimes no harm comes from following a recipe."


"Sit and watch things baking.   Nervously check it, without opening the oven door, for the whole cooking time."


"Hover over people as they try your creation.  Literally stare at them in the face like some sort of demented hawk until they say something nice."

Have a great weekend all!  

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We have a problem.  Take a real look into those food magazines you buy.  They are all photoshopped.

I'll let that sink in.

Feel for the utterly impossible beauty standards for our good old fashioned cakes and bakes to live up too.

Make yourself and your food feel a little better by taking a gander through the photos and meals I did when I first started out.

So without further adieu, I give you....  My second dose of food photography blunders.  You can read the first here.



Fantastic mash
"But Emma..!"  I hear you cry...  "All this needs is some white balance, levels adjustment and perhaps some focus!"  You stroke your chin, and ponder my art for a second.  "A bit of editing..."  You say...  "And these mashed potatoes would look fantastic!"

Thank you!  Yes, of course.... Except... this is supposed to be English pancake batter.  You know?  The runny crepe like batter that looks like double cream?

And I'm pretty sure that you aren't supposed to be able to stand a wooden spoon up in pancake batter.

I mean call me crazy, or whatever, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to look like mashed potato either.



Schroedingers' bread 
I have a tip for you.  Bread looking too burnt to call rustic?  Slap an orgy of poppy seeds on that bad boy and call yourself an artisan baker.

It's really kind of genius actually.  People will say "That bread is burnt" And you can give them a sort of Schrödinger's cat type metaphor because we will never REALLY know if the bread is burnt or not burnt with all those poppy seeds up in there.

Feelin' retro? Place it on a plastic chopping board with a plastic handled knife instead of using their wooden equivalents.  Make sure the board is nice and dirty too, lots of cut marks in there.

Go against the grain.  No bun intended.  #FoodStylingTips



Butt-cheek Brownies
Let's take a full lazy minute to appreciate that I somehow made a brownie bite look like a nice little butt-cheek and then put THAT particular brownie center stage.

TADA.

The brilliant, BRILLIANT thing is I remember desperately trying to edit the butt-cheek brownie out using the clone tool.  And the effect was so bad, I just gave up.  This particular recipe, is still up on my blog.  And butt cheek brownie is proudly hiding in one of the photos.

See if you can spot him.  I will give you a prize*

*I won't.



Oriental Star
I have another tip for you.  If you're chinese stir fry came out looking a little bitty and not at all appetizing. You can just put green beans on top and call it "Jungle chic".

"Oh that?  Yeah, it's how it's supposed to look.  God, you're so unsophisticated"

I promise it will only look a little bit like you tried to cover up a dog poo with some grass.  Promise.



The Shittata
There really was no need to put such a massive watermark on this image.  No one is going to want to pass it off as their own.  No one will steal this image.

There are no words.  This was on my blog FOR A YEAR.


Crapjacks
Capture the pure golden joy of your flapjacks by shooting with an awful yellow filter.  Don't forget to go so close that it can only focus on random bits of oatmeal.

#PhotographyTips

Cakes against humanity
I have ANOTHER tip for you.  Have you burnt your muffins AGAIN? Are they looking a little dry and not like muffins at all because you used cupcake cases?! Have you got stuck talking like a 60's infomercial?

I suggest artfully stacking them (burnt ones at the bottom please) and lightly drizzling them with caramel sauce.

AHH I SAID DRIZZLE NOT POUR.


COSMO CAKE
Ignore the TV chefs, You don't need an piping bag to ice your cupcakes.  I highly recommend using a large, unmanageable jug that the sauce rushes out of without warning to achieve this highly coveted look.

Did you spill a bit?  I suggest rolling with the punches and just spilling it everywhere.  Yeah baby, that shit looks hot.

For extra flair, up the brightness to make your cakes really shine.

Be proud of your previous pictures guys.  This is proof THAT WE ALL HAVE TO LEARN!

Apart from the shittata, I just... I don't have an excuse for that.



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