-Cue flashback harp music-
Note that it is lumpy, bumpy and lopsided, and that I have food colouring all over my hands (and face, but you can't see that part) You've probably noticed I haven't exactly mastered icing the sides yet, in fact, I've literally just rubbed excess on there like the badass I am.
This was at a time where adding balls was the pinnacle of making things look classy, and I have exceeded sophistication with this effort. There are many balls, are varied colours, and to top it off, extra balls, daintily interspersed around two pink sugarcraft elephants.
Finally, you'll see that I've kindly told people what it is AND it's colour, just in case you didn't know. Some would call it obviousness. I call it certainty. There's no doubt about what I'm giving you here.
I loved it, wobbly, lumpy bits and all (Just like you should love YOURSELF. Deep,). It wasn't perfect, but damn, it was awesome.
I loved being taught how to bake. Which is why today, I shall be sharing my ultimate plethora of crap I've learnt along the years. I'm nice like that.
"Buy an apron. You probably won't wear it more than once, and it will become more of a dish-rag, but such is life and the universe. We don't question it"
"No one will know if you lick the spoon. Or bowl. Or counters"
"Get out all of your ingredients on the countertop. Look at them for a while. Talk to them. Give them the pep talk. Huddle in with the oven, and perhaps offer it a bribe. This is literally the only certain way to cooking victory. You are at the mercy of a series of small undecipherable instances that are completely out of your control. Have fun!"
"Cracking eggs is a skill all in itself."
"Learning to turn on a tap with your arm is an invaluable skill when you have mucky hands. Practice it at all times."
"We've measured, we've bribed. We've made our sacrificial offering to the gods, If all goes to plan, your kitchen will feel as enchanted as a fairy fart. If not, then deal with the impending doom by eating cake batter. Batter makes it better."
"The best way to learn is with your hands (cheeky). Beat eggs with a whisk, fold in flour manually and make butter icing at least once by hand. Yes, your arm will ache, Yes, you might end up squinting and going a bit mental near the end, but I'll tell you something. You'll never beat a baker in an arm wrestle."
"I am a full believer in making mistakes to learn from them. If you add too much flour, or half of it ends up of the floor, just roll with it. Mistakes don't make a bad baker. Remember that because you will make a lot of them."
"If things are going well, you might feel the urge to experiment. Maybe you should throw in some cocoa powder? Or some garlic paste and maybe half a courgette? That all sounds great, you're thinking like a true baker now. Or a crazy person. (They are kind of the same thing.) Sometimes it's good to go a bit nuts, but sometimes no harm comes from following a recipe."
"Sit and watch things baking. Nervously check it, without opening the oven door, for the whole cooking time."
"Hover over people as they try your creation. Literally stare at them in the face like some sort of demented hawk until they say something nice."
Have a great weekend all!
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